“How can you hate me if you don’t even know me?”
It is a question that has sent Daryl Davis, an African-American musician and author, on one of the most unconventional journeys into American culture. He ponders this question at the beginning of a documentary called Accidental Courtesy. The film follows Daryl as he meets with members of the Ku Klux Klan (KKK) to find out how they can hate him if they do not even know him.
Yes, you read that correctly. Daryl is an African-American who has open dialogues with the most infamous white supremacy group in the nation. Since his first conversation with a Klan member in the early ’90s, Daryl has converted roughly two hundred people out of the KKK. His approach was time consuming, but surprisingly simple.
The former Klan members were not converted because of threats, or violence, or disdainful posts on social media. Instead, Daryl’s recipe for success was to meet with them one on one, and talk.
He explains his strategy like this, “If you have an adversary, someone with an opposing point of view, regardless of how extreme it may be… Give that person a platform. Allow them to air their views. When you do things like that there is an excellent chance that [they] will reciprocate.”
Daryl understands that in order to get his own message of peace across, he has to understand the opposition. That cannot be accomplished without listening. If you do not listen to someone else’s point of view, no matter how preposterous it may be, it is unrealistic to expect them to listen to yours.
Daryl’s ability to listen to everyone, especially those who he has every reason to dislike, is one of his most admirable traits. He would be completely justified in never listening to anything a Klan member has to say. The KKK encompasses all of the unfair adversity he has had to face as an African-American living in the United States. Daryl chooses to have these difficult conversations because the only way to implement change is to talk with the people who we disagree with most.
He elaborates on this point with an example, “Let’s say that you and twenty other people have a group that is anti-racist. And all you do is talk [with each other] about how bad racism is… If you and I agree, we’re not accomplishing anything by trying to convince [ourselves] of what [we] already know. The way you resolve [racism] is you invite someone to the table who disagrees with you. So you understand why they have that point of view. Then, perhaps you will figure out a solution to dissuade their fears.”
Daryl’s message is not that anti-racist groups are ineffective. His message is that in order to achieve progress, we must be willing to open a dialogue with people on the other side. An anti-racist group will not make progress if it does not enlighten the minds of people who disagree. In order to do that, a conversation must take place. In the documentary there is a similar statement from Barack Obama about the frayed relations between minorities and police departments.
Obama remarked that, “If we cannot even talk about [racism] honestly and openly. Not just in the comfort of our own circles, but with those who look different than us, or bring a different perspective, then we will never break this dangerous cycle.”
Listening is not always easy. When people make hurtful or untrue statements our emotions naturally begin to boil. We immediately get the urge to interject. Daryl has had to endure many racist comments and prejudices over the years. He explains that he is able to control his anger because he believes that racism is not the root of the problem, rather it is a “symptom” of a much larger problem.
In the documentary, a comparison is made between racism and alcoholism. Alcohol alone is not what causes a person to drink, rather it serves as an outlet for a larger problem in that person’s life. Alcoholism can be a symptom of depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. In a lot of cases, Daryl found that racism was a symptom of ignorance, fear, hatred, or a combination of the three.
People are born inherently good. Hatred is something that is taught. Anything that can be taught, can be untaught. Conversations serve as a fundamental tool for teaching any subject, but it is critical that they are mutual. Being talked at does not accomplish anything. Imagine being in a class where questions and comments are prohibited. Very little progress would be made, and major points would be glossed over. Both participants must be engaged in a conversation to attain progress.
For some, more conversations may need to take place in order to communicate the same concept. People learn at different rates, and in different styles. In one of Daryl’s lectures he points out that he is carrying around a few extra pounds. He admits that he would love to lose some of that weight, but he is aware that it cannot be accomplished over night. Persuading someone to embrace unity over division also does not occur over night. It can take patience, a consistently positive attitude, and many conversations.
A catalyst that can accelerate progress is to have conversations in person. Daryl always made sure his first conversation with a Klan member was face to face, not over email or Facebook. When you meet someone face to face you can make eye-contact, see body language, and detect tone. When you are reading an email or Facebook post, a lot is left to interpretation.
It is a bit like when we read a book. The way that I picture a story is going to be different than the way you picture a story. We might form different opinions, develop unique imagery in our heads, and walk away with contrasting interpretations. A great example of this is the Bible. It is a single book that has inspired many denominations due to varying interpretations of the same text.
Conversing in person leaves nothing to interpretation. People tend to be more polite, and are less likely to hurl insults without the anonymity of a screen. Body language can be read, and emotions are clear. Most importantly, it provides a face to an idea or attitude. This makes our outlook on the idea or attitude much more humane. When we can see the other person as a human being, and not as a username or profile picture, it has a much stronger impact.
Once you meet in person there is a good chance that the conversation might reach a stalemate. In this scenario, find a common denominator. Any time one of Daryl’s conversations began to regress, he would sprinkle in a question about what type of music the other person liked. This would relieve tension and allow them to find common ground. Daryl would then utilize their common interest of music as a way to educate the Klan members about how black Americans were pivotal to some of the genres they both liked. He would inform them about how Elvis Presley was heavily influenced by musicians like Fats Domino and Chuck Berry, both of whom were black. Both of whom can be credited for the creation of rock and roll.
In times like this when divisiveness seems to be running rampant, it is paramount that we keep the lines of communication open between each other. Do not isolate people with opposing outlooks on the world. Instead, invite them to see how we are all not so different.
Accidental Courtesy is extremely relevant to the issues facing our country right now. Daryl Davis shows that even in the most extreme circumstances, people have the potential to unify. We are all capable of ushering in a new era of unification by starting with a conversation.
“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
— Martin Luther King Jr.
